Times are changing

Updates on my life:

• Big news is that I have accepted a full time internship at a church in suburban DC for next year. I start on September 1st and I am really excited! What an amazing church and I think it will be a great fit for me. So, moving....yikes! New adventures....yay!
• Finished my middler year of seminary. I am officially a senior. Well, a two year senior.
• My final day at my SM 210 internship church is Sunday. We were honored on Wednesday with cake (see picture) and presents. What a year it's been! I am going to miss the church a lot.
• My good friend Whit and I took a brief vacation to Savannah this week (Sun-Tues). Amazing city, great food, met Paula Deen's sons Bobby & Jamie (so hot), and spent time with a good friend. Just what I needed!
• I'm off to Ohio next week (after a brief stop in TN to visit the fam) to begin my chaplaincy internship at Kettering Medical Center for ten weeks. It should be an interesting, exciting, scary experience.

I've got lots going on. I've had to say goodbye too much this week. Friends are all over the place for the summer. But, I think it's going to be a good summer for all of us!

Shifting focus

I had my final class today. After it was over, I felt this huge sense of relief. I realized I will not have to sit inside of a classroom for 15 months! I've never gone longer than 2.5 months without class for my ENTIRE life. I've been in school full-time for the past 24 years, since I was 2. I seriously need a break. A big time break. I feel like I'm starting to lose myself. So much of my life has been defined by being a student, so this is going to be a major shift for me. I also realized tonight that I need to move on for a while. I know that I can come back to this community, even though it will look very different when I return. But, it will still be here. I will miss being here with everyone, but there is something refreshing about venturing out on my own. I've never really lived by myself - I had a single room in college, but I was the RA in the dorm. I lived with someone in grad school. I live here in my own space, but surrounded by my friends. Moving away on my own, without knowing a lot of people, will be amazing. But, I'm scared too. A good kind of scared. I know I'm doing the right thing. This is really all that's on my mind right now- trying to focus on final exams, but honestly, I'm just ready for new adventures. I'm about to take a leap of faith. And...we'll see where I land on the other side.

As the end draws near

It is the end of the semester here. I have two more classes to attend. Two finals to study for. One paper to write. It really doesn't seem possible that I have completed two full years of seminary. So much has happened over these past two years, both moments of joy and moments of struggle. I wouldn't change it for anything.

I was sitting in a room filled with wise women last night. Women who are all powerful, articulate, beautiful, and flawed. Professors and students. I drew so much strength from being in their presence. It was simply amazing beyond all words. I had another moment today. My final leadership class- I was sitting in another room with these amazing people who I've spent the last four months of my life learning and growing into our visions of what a pastoral leader looks like. Today, we talked about our personal metaphors and images of leadership. There in that room sat: the Eastern Philosopher, the wise sage, the poet, the storyteller, the musicians, the multitasker, the photographer, and the conductor. All the metaphors were different, but had common threads, linking the nine of us together. I've been so blessed to be with them and to learn with and from them.

I am having a hard time accepting the notion that I will not be here this summer. Even more difficult is leaving this place for the entire year, which is quickly becoming a reality. I know it is the best decision for me. I know that I cannot simply sit in the classroom and learn what I need to right now. I feel called to be in a congregational settting full time. I think it will give me the necessary time and space to think, process, discern my ministry and call to serve the church. This semester was not easy- not becoming a candidate like others in this community was so hard. So painful. And, it still is at times. I am learning to see this as a blessing of time- time for serious discernment and just simply space to be in ministry. I've been given this time. I will use it for God's will. However, there are real emotions here. I will leave my classmates and close friends. They are my family. My insides. I will not be here to celebrate in triumph and comfort in struggle with the people who are so important to me. What will my life be like without them? I do know that I take them with me wherever I go in this life. They helped to shape me into the person I am right now, and for that I am eternally grateful.

So, here's to new adventures. And family. Thanks be to God.

Holy Week

It's been a different week. It just so happens that our spring break is the same week as Holy Week this year. Which sounds great at first. But, it's made things kind of hard for me. There is literally no one on campus this week- everyone's off enjoying time away with family and friends or traveling to fun places like California, Texas, or New York. I chose to stay here. My only other option was to go home to Tennessee. My home church doesn't really do a great job with Holy Week or Easter, so I thought it would be better here in Atlanta. I was here last year, but spring break was a different week and I spent it at home. So, my parents came for a few days this week, but left yesterday. I found myself rather sad yesterday afternoon and evening. I felt really alone. There was no one to talk to and nothing to do. I'm not really a huge fan of being alone. It's been really hard.

Today I went to a movie and lunch with some of our youth, which made things better. Tonight is Maundy Thursday service and tomorrow night, I am helping with the Good Friday service. But, that leaves time tomorrow and I don't know what I will do. Also, I have all day Saturday. Sunday is full of worship (I'm one of the liturgists), lunch with the pastor and his family, and youth group in the evening.

Holy Week used to mean a lot to me. I think I've lost it somewhere in my loneliness.

Art Inspiration

I went to an art opening at a studio space where Fred (this amazing guy who graduated from seminary last May) was showing his paintings. They were beautiful and thought provoking. There was wine and an artist's talk, and Fred said something simply amazing that really made me think. He talked about how he finds great joy in putting paint on canvas, but that in high school, he was afraid to paint or draw for a period of time. He said he just dove right back in.

It made me think about the last couple of weeks for me. I was so afraid of climbing into the pulpit to preach this past Sunday. I just stared at the pulpit for a week and just couldn't gather enough strength to climb into it. Then, I just did it. It took me a while- I just stood there, holding on and remembering why I love being there. So, when Sunday rolled around, I had this overwhelming sense of comfort. The sermon went well. Worship was beautiful and flowed together like never before.

It does not mean I don't still feel a little lost as to what to do next on this journey. But, I am coming back around. Joy.

life moves on

A lot has happened over the past several weeks. Here's an update.

Merida was wonderful! I had such an amazing experience. We learned about the culture of the Yucatan, economics, political situation, family life, and about the church. Two experiences stand out in my mind: first was our visit to Hogar Mana. We met and played with some wonderful children who come from broken or abusive homes. We played with bubbles, tossed a football around, and had a great time. The faces of the children is something I will never forget. The other memorable experience happened in a home church. The group was split up to visit homes one night. I, along with two others, had the privilage of going with our translator Benito and his wife Kerin. They are both pastors in Merida, and they took us to meet some of their church members. We had the opportunity to be in worship with some members in the home of a woman and her two children. Ben asked us to preach, and we did. Without preparation or even a Bible. It was incredible. The spirit was moving in that place. I preached on Psalm 121 and seeing in the faces of the people, God's presence. The Yucatan is BEAUTIFUL! I can't wait to go back.

The other major thing that has happened is I took the Bible Exegesis Ordination Exam this weekend. I just finished about 30 minutes ago. I really plowed through it, because I am leaving in the morning for Philadelphia, where I will attend the Association of Presbyterian Church Educators conference this week. I'm happy that the exam is over. Don't know how well I did, but we'll pray.

In the meantime, life moves on. This semester will be a busy one- it starts next Monday. For now, I am going to enjoy my time away from seminary. Philadelphia will be wonderful and I get to be there with my dad. For that, I am truly grateful.

O Mexico

I am leaving for Merida, Mexico in a few hours! I'll be gone until the 19th. I am so excited about being somewhere completely foreign and with such an amazing group of people from CTS. I'll try to get to the internet cafe every once and a while to post some stuff. Pray for us as we travel today, and prayers for the other groups headed to Eastern Europe, Jamaica, Appalachia, and inner city Atlanta.

Love: 2007

I think 2007 might just be a great year for me! I am grateful for everything in my life- my family, my friends, the opportunity to study, and my life in general. The one thing I hope 2007 has in store for me is love. I haven't given up on love yet. I know that I have love in my life already, but I am still looking for that one person. So, here's to waiting and a blessed new year!

Empty

It's the end of the semester and I am feeling completely empty. I've given all I have and there is really nothing left inside of me. Which sucks because I have my theology final tomorrow morning, a 7 page paper due Friday, and I need to work at the church all day Wednesday. The worst part of all of this is that I preached yesterday- empty. I don't like doing that. Yesterday, I learned what a hard day is- two long meetings, preaching two services, and very little down time. My body has not even registered that I slept 8 hours last night. I don't know where to go from here.

Friends are amazing

This is a picture from my birthday celebration last Friday night. I have some of the most wonderful friends! I love them! I am so blessed by their friendship.

Birthdays

Today is my birthday- the big 26! It's been kind of a strange day, but turned out to be fun. I wasn't sure if people would remember my birthday, since it always seems to fall at inconvienent times (Turkey day, during break, right after break). But, people were super great to me today which made me feel good. I just can't believe I'm really 26.

Give Thanks

I'm leaving for the airport soon- headed to Dayton, OH for Thanksgiving with my family. I can't wait to get there! There is so much for us to be thankful for this year- the birth of Micah (my cousin's new baby born about a week and half ago) and my aunt's successful recovery from cancer. I think this year will be very special for us, although it will be different. We will go to Donna's house rather than eating at our family's house, but it will be wonderful to be all together! I am so thankful for family! I've been thinking about the song "Give Thanks" lately-

Give thanks with a grateful heart

Give thanks to the Holy One

Give thanks because God's given Jesus Christ, the Son.

I do indeed give thanks with my grateful heart for new life. Happy Thanksgiving!

Plans

I have finished my CPE application for the program at Kettering Medical Center in Dayton, OH. It is in the envelope ready to be mailed tomorrow! I really want to get into this program- my aunt and uncle live in Dayton and have offered to let me live there this summer. It's a great hospital and from what I've read, it's a great program. I pray this works out and it is where God is calling me this summer.

I am such a planner. I have great plans for what I want to do. I carefully make sure all my paperwork or applications are finished and organized. My calendar is my life- I would be very lost without it! I like knowing what is coming up, so I can plan ahead to get things done. However, I really do like surprises. When I first took the Myers-Briggs, I was a "P". But, as I get older, I find myself much more of a "J". It's strange. My mom is a strong "J" and my dad is a very strong "P". I don't know....

I wonder if we should have plans? Have we ever really stopped to think our plans may not be the right ones?

Random thoughts on a Friday night

I saw this incredible movie tonight- Catch a Fire. It's all about the freedom fighters in South Africa during apartheid. It is a really powerful movie and I would recommend it to everyone! Totally worth the $8.50 to see it in the theater.

My sermon last Sunday went really well. Preaching is such a high for me. The sermon finally came together in the way I wanted it by the 11:00 service. It reminded me of why I want to do this for the rest of my life. Not that I want to be the center of attention in the pulpit, but sharing the Word of God with the people of God. This is my call. Sometimes, in the midst of papers and exams and stress, I forget my call. It's nice to be reminded.

It has been a hard couple of weeks for my family. My aunt was diagnosed with kidney cancer, and went in for surgery on Oct 12th to remove the tumor. That surgery went well, but she developed two blood clots in her lungs. She had to stay in the hospital until the 19th. She was in a hosptial in Columbus and she lives in Dayton. She went home on the 19th, but was rushed to the emergency room in Dayton two days later with severe pain. It turns out she was bleeding internally. She was in ICU for two days. She is home now. The bleeding has stopped, but she is on bed rest for the next three weeks, and on lots of medication for pain. It's been really scary. No one in my family has ever survived cancer, but my aunt might just be the first one! She will become a grandmother for the first time in just about two weeks- that will be a joyous event! Her condition has been in the back of my mind these past three weeks. It shaped my thought process and it was hard to keep focused. I think my mom was scared to think her big sister might not make it. It's hard to see someone who has been such a vital part of your life go through so much pain and suffering. I am incredibly thankful that she is on her way to recovery and rejoice that I will see her in a few weeks for Thanksgiving. It will truly be a day of great thanks!

I Am Not A Deep Thinker

I'm working on a sermon for this Sunday. It's on Job 38. I had it all locked up and ready to go, but then I got to thinking about it more...that's always a dangerous thing! The conventional notion is that Job remained faithful and showed amazing patience. However, I realized Job does indeed get upset with God. Now, I need to make some significant changes to the sermon. I am also preaching it in my class on Thursday, which honestly, makes me more nervous than the congregation. I think I put a lot of pressure on myself to try and have the perfect answers all the time in class, and often times I fail miserably. I feel inadequate a lot of the time here. I declared to a friend last week that I was not a deep thinker. I failed to look behind me and if I had, I would have seen my Theology professor there. He gave me a really hard time for that comment- even in the lecture that morning! It is hard to be in this place, with these people, and not feel a sense of inadequacy. I wonder if I will ever move beyond these thoughts that run through my mind every single day?

New Beginnings

These past few days I've been reflecting on new beginnings. It is the start of the new semester at seminary and my course load is heavy, but all things I am genuinely interested in. I'm taking Theology I, Exegesis of Matthew, Contemporary Homiletics, along with interning at a church for my supervised ministry. There is an incredible amount of reading involved for Theology and Homiletics, and just plain work for Greek. What a wonderful time for learning to balance my life: class work, reading, church time, time for Sabbath and friends. Life is starting to get interesting now.

I'm happy about being at my church. There is so much I want to learn and participate in, so I need to learn how to properly set my office hours and stick with them. This is a nearly impossible task for pastors, but I am hoping as a pastoral intern I can do it. I'm really jazzed about having the opportunity to work with an emerging young adult ministry program. This is an area that makes me feel passionate about the work of God. My passion is here- being on the journey with fellow young adults, preaching and teaching the Word. There is a real richness here and I want to help cultivate it in them and also in myself. What a invaluable experience this next year of my life will be!

The other area of new beginnings is my dad's search for a new call. He called last night to share with me a list of churches seeking new staff members. I like three of the five places he mentioned. I am earnestly praying for direction for him. This is a major decision, since this will likely be the last church he will serve. My dad is a wonderful man and a profound example of what it means to serve God and the church.

There were also new beginnings for those in this country who lost people five years ago on Sept. 11th. This is the fifth year anniversary of the tragic event, and some are now just beginning to move on with their lives. I cannot even begin to imagine the emotions and thoughts in their minds! I read about children who lost parents or family- and all they really want to do is begin to move on from the events of five years ago. It is hard for them to see all of the media obsession with the events that happened not only then but what has happened since that fateful day. What does this say about us as a media savvy country? Can we now begin to move on? Or will that ever happen?

Whatever the new beginnings are in your life, my prayers are with you. New beginnings can be really scary, but the door is open now. All you can do is trust in God's mercy and keep walking. Thanks be to God.

Back in the family

An update: my lightheadness has gone away! I visited a neurologist about a week and half ago, and he told me it is a symptom of migraine headaches (which I have). So, I have proper meds and a diet to follow. Life is good once again!

I just got back to Atlanta from a week at home with the family in TN. Wow. I am really glad to get back here! Not that I don't love my family, but I really love my life here. We start the fall semester this week, which should be great. I love the classes I'm taking and it will be fantastic to catch up with all my classmates who've been gone over the summer.

I've been thinking lately about the family. Family is not just your biological/adoptive family. It is the people you surround yourself with- friends and others in your life. I have this group of people here at the seminary who I am close with. Even though, sometimes we are separated- I know I can always go back there. They are the Hebrew track students of 2005. We have a bond that I don't think can really ever be broken, even if there is distance between us. Although, I am branching out and do things with lots of people here, I know I can fall back and know they are there to catch me, and I am there to catch them.

I guess what I am trying to say...is it's nice to be back in the family.

Musings

Less than two weeks left of Greek. Thank the Lord! I literally can't fit anything else inside my head. I'm looking forward to going home and preaching at my home church. I'm a little scared of preaching in front of my parents. They have never heard me preach- neither has the rest of the congregation. It will be a wonderful experience. If I wasn't so focused on learning Greek, I would be working on that sermon.

I saw Talladega Nights last night. That is hands down the funniest movie I have ever seen!! My favorite quote is from one of Ricky Bobby's sons "man, Dad, you made that grace your bitch!". There were so many good one liners. If you've not seen it, you need to! It's worth the 7.50 to see it in the theater.

Thoughts at the end of the week

Thank goodness it's Friday! I've successfully survived another week of Greek school. I must admit that my brain is way too full of paradigms and the 23 forms of "the"!! But, the weekend is for rest and relaxation- and that's my plan! Honestly, I think I'll be camped out on my couch this afternoon watching The West Wing. I need the rest.

I was discouraged by comments by a classmate of mine after receiving the quiz back. This person was complaining about missing six points for a small mistake- nothing major and announcing that a perfect grade was screwed up by a stupid mistake. While I did well on the quiz and I knew I had made some mistakes, I felt worse by the comments. I must continue to remind myself that I don't need to compare myself to anyone else! But, it is human nature, especially within these walls of CTS. I can understand how this person felt- I make stupid mistakes all the time, but it does impact others when you talk about it out LOUD. In the grand scheme of life, Greek quiz grades do not matter. That's why I'm not letting this quiz grade get to me!

On a lighter note, chapel today was amazing! I love when children are leaders in worship. They have some wonderful gifts to share with the church, and I love when those gifts are highlighted. The best moment was when Teddy (who's only three) was "dancing" around on the platform in the front of the chapel during the moment of wonder. It was priceless. He is the cutest kid- and when you are three, that's all you want to do in front of lots of people. It was a wonderful distraction from all the Greek stuff- a great way to remind you why you are here studying Greek. Children have a great way of teaching and reminding us of what really matters. A smile on the face of a kid handing you a cup of goldfish crackers is a wonderful moment of grace and love.

And thanks be to God!

Another day

So, it's another day here in Atlanta. And it's HOT! The worst part is that I have no motivation to do my Greek homework. It's not that I don't understand it, I'm just unmotivated. So, I'm distracting myself by watching The West Wing on DVD- not the most productive thing in the world. Oh well! Such is life.

The funniest thing today was the new student IDs. Last week, we all had our pictures taken for the Greek school directory. A bunch of us decided to have a little fun and all wear this pink scarf in different ways for the pictures. I decided to wear it over my head and covering the lower part of my face. It was a really funny picture- actually all of them were! Little did I know that all of us were getting student IDs- not just the new students. So, I got my new student ID in my box this afternoon, and it was this crazy picture. Then, our dean of students called me a terrorist in front of one of the professors! The joke is getting out of hand! This new ID simply cracks me up and is providing for a few laughs around the campus. Glad I could be of service!