Wading in the Mire

My sermon I preached this week in Anna's Preacher & the Poet class.

***
Psalm 69:1-3; 13-18 Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. 2 I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me. 3 I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God. 13 But as for me, my prayer is to you, O LORD. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love, answer me. With your faithful help 14 rescue me from sinking in the mire; let me be delivered from my enemies and from the deep waters. 15 Do not let the flood sweep over me, or the deep swallow me up, or the Pit close its mouth over me. 16 Answer me, O LORD, for your steadfast love is good; according to your abundant mercy, turn to me. 17 Do not hide your face from your servant, for I am in distress-- make haste to answer me. 18 Draw near to me, redeem me, set me free because of my enemies.

***

Mire. Deep waters. Floods.
Up to your neck, over your head
Eyes weary, parched throat.
Sinking down…
The weight of the world,
pushing on your shoulders;
no relief in sight.

Life is like this sometimes.

There are days, months,
When we find ourselves
where the psalmist is –
confronted by enemies.
Enemies that hurt us –
deeply, leave us wounded
internally.
Wounds so painful, so deep
It feels like being overwhelmed
by deep waters,
by quicksand
with nothing to hold onto.

But,
our enemies are not always external…

Sometimes it is the internal ones
that hurt the most.


The voices flooding the mind
with words that cut like glass.
The feeling of not being able
To move forward, to keep going
The pain is deep.
So real.
Wounds so raw,
opened over and over again.

There are days when
We cannot lift ourselves off the floor.
When the pain is too much
The voices too strong.
The feelings too hard to handle.

The world begins to close in
Leaving us scrambling, reaching
For a lifeline
For a hand to pull us out
Of the quicksand
Of the waters

***
We cry out to God,
Our prayers for help
To save us from this mire
To save us from the deep waters
To save us from ourselves

We cry, so hard it hurts
Our eyes grow weary
Our throats are parched

We cry out to God,
Answer me! Answer me!
I am stuck. I am sinking. I am being swallowed.
Answer me! Answer me,
Please!

We cry out to God,
Where are you?
Can you hear me?
Save me! Help me! Redeem me!
Can you hear me?
I need you.
I can’t save myself
I can’t help myself
I can’t redeem myself.
I need you.

***
The weight of the world might
Be pushing on your shoulders.
But,
Relief is in sight.

For,
in the midst of
The mire that sucks us in
The deep flood waters that overwhelm us
In our tears stained on our faces
In our throats so dry from crying

Is God.

God is there.
It doesn’t always feel like it.

But, God is there.

Abundant mercy,
steadfast love.
God is with us.
Forever.

Do not give up.
We will cry.

But, our tears will not be in vain.

For,
God is with us,
In our tears,
In the hard times,
When we feel overwhelmed
By the floods of internal wounds.
By the mire all around us.


Even though,
Our eyes may grow dim
waiting for our God.
Keep praying.

God hears our prayers,
Although answers come not
When we want them.

At an acceptable time, O God.
in the abundance of your steadfast love, answer me.
What is acceptable?
Only God knows.

So, we keep praying.
We keep reaching.

***

Keep reaching. Keep crying out to God.
Even when it’s hard.
Even when your eyes are weary
Even when your throat is parched
Even when you think you cannot hold on.
Even when you cannot lift yourself off the floor.

Keep reaching out for God.
God is there.
The psalmist never lost hope.
God’s steadfast love is there
For you. For me. For all of us.


God’s abundant mercy and love
will pull us
out of the mire
out of the deep flood waters
into new life.

Keep reaching. Keep praying.
God is there.

Amen.

Thankful and Rejoicing

I have a lot to be thankful for this year. Yesterday was my appt with the surgeon, and thanks be to God- I don't need surgery! He did another ultrasound & decided it is probably just larger than normal gland, but nothing to worry about. I have a check up in six months to see if anything has changed, but other than that, I'm good to go. I've never been so relieved in my life! It's been such a rough two weeks waiting for answers, not to mention a rough month of stuff. This good news gives me great hope that all will indeed be well, in God's good time.

Later this morning, I'm flying up to Ohio to spend the next few days with my family. I'm thankful for them. We eat really yummy food, watch the Macy's parade, stand in the freezing cold of Friday morning to shop, and celebrate with one another. I'm also glad to be with them this year on my 28th birthday, which is Friday.

It's funny, I heard a sermon in chapel yesterday about thanksgiving & rejoicing. At the time, I couldn't do it- be thankful and rejoice, despite all that was going on. But, now I can. Thanks be to God for my family, my friends who love me & prayed for me, my health, and all of the blessings in my life. I am truly rejoicing!

Get Excited!

Tonight, I booked my plane ticket for my post-Christmas trip to Laurel, Maryland! I am heading up there on December 27th to spend some time with the LPC crew. I've missed them so much. I'm staying with two of my most favorite people in the world - Ray & Kathy. I love them a lot & it will be wonderful catching up with my surrogate parents. Plus, there will be a big LPC gathering while I'm there. What a great way to spend part of my Christmas break! I'm so excited...

The best people in the world:)

Gifts and Graces

It is reading/midterm/assessment week at CTS. I only had one midterm, which I took yesterday morning. But, my main event was Monday morning at 8am - my MCA. MCA's are Mid-Course Assessments to evaluate one's progress at CTS and to become a degree candidate. There are three faculty members & two students on an MCA team & mine were wonderful people. For me, this was more of a final assessment, since I am a senior this year & MCA's are normally held during the middler year. But, since I was away on internship last year, I had mine this fall. It was a good process- very thoughtful questions from the team & some rather sage advice about how to make use of these last seven months of seminary.

One thing that keeps coming up for me this week is that I need to accept my gifts & graces. The MCA team mentioned it, my preaching professor said it later that day, & it was brought up at my internship site on Tuesday. I guess God is trying to tell me something! But, by the third time I heard it, I was in tears. I know this is something I need to work on, but I don't know how to go about it. It all stems from the fact that I tend to be quiet. That is who I am. I listen more than I speak. Apparently, this has become an issue. People want me to accept my gifts & graces, and then share them with the world. Lovely thought, but how does one do that exactly?

I'm left rather perplexed by the whole situation.

Made Me Smile

I saw this quote on a friend's facebook & it made my day...

"i talked to God and She said, 'yo, what's up?'"- Empire Records

(thank you, taylor!)

A Thought from Tonight's Debate

The question is: how exactly does one nail jello to a wall?

Ask John McCain. He apparently knows how.

Atlanta Greek Festival!

Last night, a bunch of us went over to the Annual Atlanta Greek Festival, which is held at the Greek Orthodox Church not far from the seminary. It was so much fun! First of all, we rode a school bus from the parking place to the church *which I found VERY FUN* & when we arrived, the place was packed with people. There were booths with food, music playing, dancing, lectures, tons of little shops set up in classrooms inside the cathedral, and best of all...baklava! There was a huge room set up for pastries of all kinds. It was amazing. My friend Kristin & I stood in line for baklava. It was so good! We bought several pieces each so we could have some for breakfast this week. Here we are with our yummy baklava...
Some of the international students went with us & Matt from Cambridge, England had his first piece of baklava & loved it! It was a great evening spent with friends. I came home with two more pieces of yummy goodness, plus a small icon of the Holy Trinity (which look like women) and a set of prayer beads. I think I'll eat my final piece tomorrow morning...yum!

Rough Times in the ATL...

So, this week has been a rough one around here. First of all, it was a week filled with frustration and tension for me personally & the seminary community. It seems that all (or a vast majority) of us had tough weeks- both in terms of our personal lives & school/class wise. I am certainly glad that the week is over & pray next week brings better things for all of us.

Second, as icing on the cake, my week ended with a car accident. Yesterday morning on my way home from work, I was trying to turn right into a gas station & was rear ended by a 75 year old woman. The good news is that both of our cars were fine- no damage, but the bad news is that I was left with a bad case of whiplash. After spending two & half hours at the doctor, I am now wearing a neck brace and taking lots of medication. But, I am thankful that I was not injured worse nor was my car. However, I am sore & trying to take it easy this weekend.

Third, there is a major gas shortage in Atlanta. This has been going on since Sunday night. Many, many stations around the area are out of gas completely & others only have a limited supply of gas. So, tensions are running high here & people are running out of gas. However, it is being brought on by the fact that some people keep going to stations to top off (out of fear) who do not need the gas, leaving others strained. However, this afternoon, I was able to get $20 of gas in my car, which should last me for a while. I wish people would learn not to panic & just conserve! It would make life better for all of us. The governor said it might be up to 10 days until it is back to normal. Ugh.

My hope & prayer is that life continues to get better here in Atlanta- for all of us!

Struggling...

It's been two weeks of class & my head is not above the water. I'm having some difficulty adjusting to class, reading, writing papers, etc. It is hard being back at school after being gone for so long. Socially, I feel part of the community for sure, but my struggles are dealing with the amount of stuff on my plate. Compounding it all, I am missing Maryland more than ever. I had a great life there & I had to pack up one more time to come back here. I miss the people, the city, everything. It makes me sad some days. But, I know this is where I am supposed to be right now. I just wish I could keep my head above the water.

Clergy for Obama

I joined this group on Facebook this morning. It's called "Clergy for Obama". I love their statement:

We are Clergy for Obama.

We believe in Barack Obama’s ability to change this country we love so dearly;

more importantly, we believe in our ability to be the change.

We believe in our ability to create a country where:

all children have nourishing food

the sick can find affordable healthcare

our young adults have real opportunities and a future they can trust

the elderly live securely

and in community women and men have choices about their private lives

armed conflict is a last resort, not a substitute for diplomacy

Together we believe in our ability to move this country

to a politics of hope to a deep regard for the life of the planet and care for all creation

to an investment in programs that work to end poverty to equal pay for equal work

We are children of God.

We are citizens of the United States of America.

We believe now is the time for change.

We are Clergy for Obama.

This is a wonderful statement about what I believe is possible for our country if Obama is elected in November. I urge all of you to make sure you are registered to vote & learn as much as you can about the candidates! Be engaged, watch the debates, discuss your opinions with others, and most of all, make sure you vote on November 4th!

Feeling Slightly Overwhelmed

These last few days have been a whirlwind! I am beginning to worry that I've bitten off more than I can chew this semester. Taking four classes is crazy enough, but pairing that with working 15 hours a week at Skyland might be too much. I sat through two classes today, which shouldn't be awful, but I just felt a little bit of that familar feeling of being overwhelmed wash over me! These two classes (Ethics & Pastoral Care) are chocked filled with readings & papers- and are intense in different ways. My preaching classes should be less intense, but need my full attention. My clients & work at Skyland deserve my full attention/devotion. Can I really give everything my full attention? Something has to give. When am I going to find time to nourish my soul? What will that look like? Plus, there is a ton of paperwork to be done for MCA, PIF, Final Assessment, etc. Wow. I am tired.

So, I ask for prayers. I'm not sure who reads this blog, but whoever you are...prayers are welcomed!

New Beginnings and New Books

It's that time again! School has begun here at CTS. After being gone from this community for 15 months, it is going to be a strange experience walking back into the classroom again. My time away doing both CPE in Ohio & my full time internship in Maryland was incredible - I learned so much about myself as a person & as a pastor. Although I loved being away from the pressures of the classroom, there was a part of me that missed it too.

I've got an interesting combination of classes this fall:

• Introduction to Pastoral Care (Pamela Cooper-White)
• Christian Ethics (Mark Douglas)
• Preacher and the Poet (Anna Carter Florence)
• Preaching and Worship through the Christian Year (Kim Long)

I'm so excited about these classes & the books look pretty amazing. This is all going to be in combination with my work at Skyland Trail Psychiatric Treatment Center as a chaplain. I'm going to be a really busy person, but I love to stay busy. I tend to function better when I have lots of stuff going on in my life. As you can see in the picture above, this semester will be filled with reading and more reading. It's a good thing I really love books:)

The community is taking shape around here- new juniors, meeting the middlers, and re-aquainting myself with the seniors. I was talking with someone this morning at coffee hour & we were in agreement- we've got a good feeling about the community this year. There are some really wonderful people here!

My prayer is that this will be a good year. I've got lots of stuff to discern...whether to go into parish ministry or chaplaincy... areas where I'd love to live post-CTS... what does God have in store for me... all that good stuff that comes with being a seminary senior. So, I continue to lift my prayers to God for wisdom and for discernment. And then, listen to my heart for answers.

Sabbath & Politics

Theology ord is over. Now that it is off my list, I can enjoy a week or so of sabbath before starting my last year of seminary classes. I came home to my little, tiny town in Tennessee to spend time with my mom, eat free food, and do some laundry. Of course, this means little access to internet. Right now, I am sitting in the town public library, which is one room. It's funny- I'm used to big libraries at universities & at the seminary, not a one room joint. But, they have free internet, which is a huge help when your family is sans internet connection at the house (we are an old fashioned home without a computer!)

This week, I am enjoying watching the Democratic National Convention. I watch the whole thing- from gavel to gavel- on CSpan. I love it because there are no political pundents & no commentary at all. Just speeches & lots of shots of people dancing on the convention floor. Gotta love Democrats decked out in red, white, & blue with the crazy hats and waving big signs. Last night, Ted Kennedy & Michelle Obama spoke. Both were incredible. This campaign is all about HOPE and CHANGE, not about the status quo political process. I really appreciate it. I'm tired of things being the way they are and I am desperate for change. Obama is a new kind of leader, one the world needs, one that we need here. It's going to happen, I just feel it.

I love that the DNC theme is "Throwing Open the Doors". The Montreat Youth Conference theme this year was "Throw Open the Doors"! There are many moments when I found myself seeing great connection between the PC(USA) & the 2008 Presidential Election. I love that we have a great moderator now in Bruce, who is all about bringing people together & changing the way we do things as a denomination. Barack is all about bringing peoplpe together & solving problems through conversation not violence. I love it. We need a little more idealism, more dreaming, more over-reaching.

I have great hope both for the PC(USA) and for the country. It is time for a change. I know our denomination is facing some hard truths & struggles right now. I wish people were able to see past idological differences & look at each other as HUMAN BEINGS. We are all children of God. Period. That's all that should matter. It seems like we all get stuck thinking about the issues at hand, and not the people. My sincere prayer is that over these next two years, we can come together, despite our differences of opinions on the various issues & work together to build up the PC(USA) and not continue to tear it down.

We need change. We need hope. Change & hope. It is possible.

Thoughts about ords studying...

I'm hold up in the CTS library this afternoon- studying for my theology ordination exam. It's crazy nuts! There are numerous topics & only four will actually be on the exam. So, one must study a myriad of things to prepare. Today's topics to tackle: Biblical interpretation (as found in Book of Confessions); implications of baptism for the Christian life; relationship between inner sense of call & affirmation of the people of God; nature & purpose of the church (as found in BOC); reformed understanding of faith; church growth & evangelism; and God alone being Lord of the conscience. Whew. That's a lot to handle! And, I've limited myself to three hours a day this week. There is only so much my brain can manage at one time.

As a reward post-exam on Friday, I am headed home (doesn't sound that great, huh?). This way, I can rest, eat for free, do some laundry for free, and watch the Democratic National Convention with my mother (who will probably sleep through most of it!). I know that many of my dear friends will be working hard on the Biblical Exegesis exam through next week, so I will be all alone. No fun, so spending time with my mom while my dad is traveling for his sabbatical sounds like a good option.

As a final note as I head back to studying...I saw this saying on a friend's magnetic poetry on facebook & it made me smile: "Yesterday is tomorrow's joy held today". I love that. May there be great joy for you tomorrow! Peace & happy studying:)

Montreat Ends, New Beginnings

I survived four weeks of Montreat...barely. It was a great experience- all four weeks of keynote, worship, music, small groups, fun times on the 3rd floor of Assembly. Here's my last small group (group 42!)...

After Montreat, I headed home to Tennessee for some much needed rest & relaxation. I enjoyed my two weeks at home. It did me some good. Now, I'm back in Atlanta to study for the theology ordination exam & get ready for my last year of seminary. In addition to taking classes, I'll be working as a chaplain at Skyland Trail, which is a residential & day psychatric treatment center. I'm really excited about getting started with this new ministry!

I must admit that I feel a little awkward being back at CTS. I've been gone for 15 months & it is going to take some time to go through this re-entry process. But, I met a lot of the new students last night, which was great. I feel good about being back for the most part. I'm a little worried about being here for the next two & half weeks until classes start- I know that I will get very lonely & sad. I'm so used to being very busy & surrounded by lots of people. It's going to take some getting used to & I'm trying to focus on the good things!

One More Week...

My marathon Montreat experience this summer is beginning to wind down! I have one more week of small group leading! It's been a really good experience, but I am so tired! I find it difficult to stay up at night to socialize now, but three years ago, I could stay up late & get up in the morning without too much difficulty. I think I've aged quite a bit in three years!

Omega is going well. My small group this past week was much different than the previous two, but still a great group of youth. I had fun! Here's some of them...

One more week... I'm just glad that many of the SGLs are staying for the final week of MYC '08!

Theta Done...Omega Begins!

So, Theta weeks are over now & Omega weeks 5 & 6 have begun! It's crazy that I've been in Montreat since July 4th. Last week, I had one of the best small groups I've ever had in my 6 years of being an SGL. I really enjoyed witnessing their conversations and love for each other. It was a wonderful experience & one that will stay with me for a long time.

Group 27 (week 4)! Lots of love here:)

As I said, Omega has indeed begun. The leadership is truly amazing- Aimee Wallis Buchanan & Bill Buchanan (keynoters), Michelle Thomas-Bush (preacher), Jorge Gonzalez (music), and Lindsey Wells Peery & Barry French (rec leaders). The keynote has been really awesome- Aimee & Bill brought a youth drama team with them who are simply outstanding. Michelle's sermons are truly inspiring. Music & rec- outstanding! I've really enjoyed this week so far.

Last night, we were blessed with a concert from David LaMotte! Wow. He played one of my favorite songs "Hold On", which truly spoke to the themes of this conference. There were moments when I simply closed my eyes & let the music just overwhelm me. I'm sad that this could be my last chance to see him live before he moves to Australia, but I'm glad it was here in Montreat.

I love this place. It truly feeds my soul. I love being able to connect with new people & reconnect with old friends! This is the place that nurtured me when I was discerning my call to ministry. These people are the ones who've carried me through some hard times & loved me regardless of anything I could do. I'm really happy that I was blessed with the chance to spend four weeks here before heading back to CTS. I needed this!

One Down...Three to Go!

I've finished one week of my four week Montreat SGL marathon! It was a roller coaster of a week...my group was great, a little loud at times, but overall, a great group of youth who have amazing ideas for our church! Thanks be to God for that. Tonight is candlelight, which is always lovely and emotional for the youth. I've really enjoyed seeing old friends & meeting new SGLs. Mostly, I am looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow & enjoying the day off!


Here's some pictures from Small Group 27...

J Diggs & Nick Rizzle

Check out the best rec event commercial EVER...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TddZbPTFudM

Nick and Jeffery are simply amazing!

I Love Montreat

I'm in Montreat for the next four weeks for Youth Conferences (Theta & Omega). I've been looking forward to this for months. The best part is being able to share these next two weeks with my good friend Whitney. We've been here for the last couple of days getting ready & tonight is when it all begins! I can't wait to be in Anderson Auditorium with 1200 youth & adults singing & getting excited for an awesome week! Here's to "throwing open the doors".